Ah the hubris of humankind. It's something that makes us do crazy things like try to send people into space, or travel to inhospitable locations and attempt to survive, just because we can. But try telling that to driven space rock scientist Bruce Greenwood, on the hunt for his latest space rock in a frigid wasteland; or a guilt-ridden Paul Walker, desperate to get back to his Antarctic base. To tell them "no" would be...well it would be about as pointless as telling Vicky not to love a movie about dogs. Which brings us to Disney's EIGHT BELOW...
Look, D-Lovers; after two hundred and forty episodes, we know that when our hosts say that some obscure Disney movie from the 1970s has some of the craziest, non-family friendly things we've ever seen in a movie watched for this podcast, it's not really surprising anymore. It was a wild time for the film studio - you know it, we know it. But when Vicky, Nolan and Jill say that TREASURE OF MATECUMBE has, without a doubt, the craziest sequence we've seen possibly in any movie - just know that it far surpasses anything you could possibly imagine.
We all know the story of CINDERELLA by now, right? Heck, our hosts have seen four different versions of her story at this point. So no point in regaling you with how this Disney movie is a foot fetishists dream come true, or that it's weird that Cinderella's only friends are rodents and small birds. That's not to say there's nothing to say about the movie that was essentially the test run for the modern Disney remake...we're just saying don't stop us if you've heard this one before.
Whether it was on Nickelodeon or a Disney channel, there's a good chance you may have some fond memories of watching Doug Funnie and the other citizens of Bluffington on television. Of course after the series was bought by Disney, it was only a matter of time before the machinations of Michael Eisner wrought a theatrically released film in the form of DOUG'S 1st MOVIE. The question is, does any of it hold up? Find out, this week on We Want The D!
For a place known as the city of brotherly love, Philadelphia is infamous for having some of the hardest-to-please and quick-to-anger fans across all sports. And it seems some of that aggression has rubbed off on our hosts' during this week's episode on Disney's INVINCIBLE. Because Vicky, Nolan and Jill have some Big Takes on Mark Wahlberg, the NFL and (oddly) especially recreational sports. It doesn't quite get to full-contact territory or anything...but it's not that far off, either!
Step aside, Hercules (sorry, we mean Hunkules) - we've stumbled across the real greatest hero in the Disney canon. It's AMY, of course! A woman who suffered a horrible loss and channeled her grief into helping others, ditching her awful, possessive husband in the process (if it wasn't clear, this is another movie from the 1980s). While a bit heavy on the soap opera melodrama and filming techniques, our hosts were all quite taken with this film; and by the end of this week's episode you may be too.
It's another entry in the "Walt learned some history trivia so they made a movie about it" genre of Disney film this week. This time, it's about the expedition that navigated through the previously uncharted waters of the Colorado River; and if this movie is any indication immediately all went a little bit nuts and almost killed each other. It's TEN WHO DARED...or, more accurately, SIX WHO DARED AND FOUR WHO DIDN'T.
Grab your best pair of skiing jeans, D-Lovers, cause we're hitting the slopes this week with Disney's SNOWBALL EXPRESS. Featuring an all-star cast of some of our 1970s favourites - Dean Jones! Harry Morgan! Johnny Whitaker! Schuyler from the Medfield College movies! - only this time the pratfalls and hijinks all take place on a ski hill and there's lots of dangerous engine-based comedy. So, you know, a remix on a pretty familiar formula at this point.
The first Tron was a one-of-a-kind visual odyssey into a digital world the likes of which had never been rendered. TRON: LEGACY would could be described the same way, but since technically the first Tron exists, it can't be. There are a lot of points of comparison between the two Disney films, obviously - both are visually arresting, both make even the most tech-savvy viewer feel like a grandparent trying to figure out which remote turns on the TV, both have multiple Jeff Bridges. This movie may be best enjoyed with your brain switched off so you can just enjoy the pretty lights and sounds, but unfortunately that's just not the business we're in on We Want The D.
We're returning to the magical land of Narnia this week with THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: PRINCE CASPIAN, and things sure have changed. The battles are bigger, the CGI animals are better, and Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy all suck harder. It makes this pretty bland Disney fantasy movie just as much of a slog to get through as last time, but at least the circumstances of this story allow us to get some classic We Want The D conversation going about the implication of four children who grew up to be kings and queens then being shoved back into their pubescent and pre-pubescent bodies.
There's been a lot of Santas in the Disney canon, and a lot of Santa mythology to go along with it. From strict, clothing-based contract law, to gadget-driven efficiencies, to dark spectres who send death-dealing angels to those who might not have enough holiday cheer. NOELLE is the most mythology-heavy version of the Santa figure we've seen yet, while also featuring the pluckiest lead character. Which of course means there's quite a bit for our hosts to chew on, like so much fruit cake and candy canes and other famously tasty(?) holiday treats...(Nolan writes these and is still new to the whole Christmas thing.)
Christmas magic manifests in so many different ways, as we've seen in many of the holiday movies we've watched for We Want The D. This week, just a pinch of it is added to a recipe: take the classic Prussian story and the famous ballet and score it inspired; generously mix in some tried-and-true Disney storytelling tropes like dead moms, obvious third act twists, and style-over-substance plotting; add a few drops of nightmare fuel in the form of horrible mouse monsters and creepy little French clowns; and sprinkle with a hint of Christmas magic. Overblow and underbake and you end up with THE NUTCRACKER AND THE FOUR REALMS.
There's a chill in the air, there's snow on the ground, and it's getting dark at four in the afternoon...yet our hosts aren't that glum. That can only mean one thing - we're back on the Krumholtz Creep! The holiday season is upon us so it's time to revisit Disney's meager theatrical offerings for holiday movies, and their bountiful MOW and direct-to-video ones. We're starting with the latter by watching 'TWAS THE NIGHT, a movie that shares some DNA with the more beloved The Santa Clause, but isn't nearly as good...despite starring objectively better actor Bryan Cranston.
When we last checked in with Benjamin Franklin Gates, his creepy dad, his put-upon girlfriend/wife, and his goober-yet-handsome pal they were embroiled in a plot to steal the Declaration of Independence before Sean Bean could and uncover a lost treasure hiding in plain sight under Manhattan. In Disney's NATIONAL TREASURE: BOOK OF SECRETS the gang comes back together to kidnap the President of the United States because he has this secret book of secrets that will hopefully have the second half of a clue that will lead them to a hidden city (or temple?) of gold somewhere in the Dakotas so Benjamin Franklin Gates can clear the smeared name of his ancestor so hundreds of years from now the Gates name won't be Mud thanks to Ed Harris who also wants to find the treasure but mostly so that people will say nice things about his own family's name....yeah these movies are a lot.
There's a feeling of familiarity in this week's episode of We Want The D. It could be, of course, all of the familiar Disney faces in THE ABSENT-MINDED PROFESSOR - our favourite old dad Fred MacMurray (though playing an old bachelor this time); our favourite scrambled egghead Tommy Kirk (though playing the popular jock this time); our favourite villain from the Herbie franchise Alonzo Hawk (who we compare to popular Greater Toronto Area personality Russell Oliver). But then again, it could just be all the bouncing from the flubber making our hosts a little disoriented.
At this point in our journey through the Disney filmography, it feels like we've pretty much seen it all. There's no new ideas, just an endless parade of hapless leading men, car chases, animal sidekicks, and trios of mobsters and villains. How, then, does one inject a much needed boost of the unfamiliar to make the formula of 1970s Disney feel fresh? Turns out, it's as simple as moving the action from dry land to the water, as the coast guard, criminals and just general populace who congregate at the Balboa marina managed to mostly win over our hosts' hearts and mind in this week's film - THE BOATNIKS.
After two hundred and twenty five episodes, it appears we are only just getting to our first proper Disney western. Sure, we've seen movies with cowboys and frontier living, but most of those cowboys are played by people like Don Knotts. WESTWARD HO, THE WAGONS! is a movie with a lot of punctuation, but even more classic trappings of the western genre...and not all of them good (bet you can guess which ones based on the poster alone). It's not all bad though - the infinitely watchable Fess Parker is here to soothe our viewing, along with his golden voice and stoic, comforting presence. And nobody on this particular wagon train taking the Oregon Trail dies of dysentery...at least on-screen.
It's All Hallow's Eve, and that means its time for Vicky, Nolan and Jill to return to the spookiest scariest happiest ...well, a place on Earth, at least. Kinda, guess it's not really on Earth either. In any case, it's a place with a lot of sunshine and rubber masks, so it can only mean we watched HALLOWEENTOWN II: KALABAR'S REVENGE. Only this time, the rubber masks are put away and the sunshine is dulled by a grayscale palate. Look, these Halloweentown movies are contradictions in and of themselves, and our hosts have enough time parsing why some of us loathe them beyond measure and some of us enjoy them. Sigh. At least Debbie Reynolds is still in this one.
Leaves are crunching underfoot and the smell of pumpkin spice is in the air, and you know what that means D-Lovers: time to watch some lousy Disney TV Movies because they haven't made enough theatrically released Halloween films! This year we're kicking things off with the House of Mouse's first attempt at turning a ride into a movie with TOWER OF TERROR. A story about a child murder plot (in that a child was both the victim and the murderer) anchored by a barely-there Steve Guttenberg and a very present Kristen Dunst, all set in a spooky Hollywood Hotel which for some reason was allowed to remain abandoned for sixty years rather than bought up and redeveloped. And that's just the beginning of this strange tale!
This week's movie gets filed under both subgenre "horse movie" and subgenre "war movie" in the Disney canon. But despite those promising categories, MIRACLE OF THE WHITE STALLIONS is dry like a cracker...though still not altogether unpleasant. It's sort of like the dressage style tricks the titular White Stallions do (in multiple extended sequences) - we understand that there's supposed to be something cool and impressive about it, but it just isn't quite coming through. Just like how we understand the lead of this movie is meant to be Austrian, but he's just coming off as corn-fed Nebraskan.
Sometimes, D-Lovers, you hope against hope that something that looks like a duck and quacks like a duck just isn't a duck. In this case, we looked at Disney's THE DEVIL AND MAX DEVLIN and hoped that just because it's a Ron Miller-led 80s movie pre-Touchstone, and just because it stars Elliott Gould (who we've already learned isn't really "on-brand" for Disney as a leading man), and just because *sigh* Bill Cosby is also in it, that somehow it might not be as bad as it looks on paper. Turns out, it might be worse.
It's the end of an era here on We Want The D as we bid farewell to one of the brightest Disney stars who has faded all too quickly. CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE DRAMA QUEEN may not be Lindsay Lohan at her best (especially when Mean Girls came out the same year), but there's a charm to this movie that our hosts can't deny. Maybe it's Alison Pill putting in work as the plain best friend; maybe it's the stylized-if-inconsistent directorial vision; maybe it's the most insane wardrobe collection we've seen to date. Whatever it is, it made for quite the send-off for our dear LiLo (no, not the little Hawaiian girl).
Picture it, D-Lovers. Toyland. What kind of place of imagination and wonder would have such a name? The mind boggles with the possibilities, doesn't it? Unfortunately, if you want to find out we can't recommend that you watch Disney's BABES IN TOYLAND because despite the title, Toyland takes a shocking amount of time to make an appearance and even then...well, let's just say we hope you really like Ed Wynn. That said, if you want to see Ray Bolger pussyfoot around, TWO Corcoran brothers, and like, five Annette Funicello's singing about how dumb they are, this movie might be up your alley.
It's not déjà vu you're experiencing, D-Lovers; Disney really did make another adaptation of A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court a mere three years after the one we watched a few months ago. They really did return to the same location in Budapest. They really did use one of the same lead actresses. Really, the only thing they did differently is instead of a kid who travels through time (and reality - remember that King Arthur and Camelot did not exist) it's Whoopi Goldberg. Which of course means despite being a TV movie, this is obviously the superior adaptation...though don't get it twisted, that's damning A KNIGHT IN CAMELOT with faint praise.
The deep in our dive into the Disney canon we're getting used to seeing some familiar faces in front of and behind the camera. Fred MacMurray, Vincent McEveety, Kurt Russell, Harry Morgan - when their names pop up we know we're in that special era of 1960s/1970s live action Disney. Of course, there were other signs that could have tipped us off in CHARLEY AND THE ANGEL. An old dad, an extended car chase, a completely unexpected and probably unnecessary mobster subplot. But none of our hosts were expecting to see another movie in which an "angel" reveals themselves to the main character not as a benevolent and guiding force of light and good, but as a grim spectre of looming death and disaster. But that's Disney for you!